If I Had $34000000000

(With apologies to Barenaked Ladies and all the beleaguered IBM shareholders)

If I had 34 billion dollars
(If I had 34 billion dollars)
Well, I’d buy you a hybrid cloud
(I would buy you a hybrid cloud)
And if I had 34 billion dollars
(If I had 34 billion dollars)
I’d buy you a container platform for your hybrid cloud
(And maybe a HashiCorp for automation)
And if I had 34 billion dollars
(If I had 34 billion dollars)
Well, I’d buy you a Kube distro
(A nice reliant orchestrator)

And if I had 34 billion dollars I’d buy your linux
If I had 34 billion dollars
(I’d build a data center in our yard)
If I had 34 billion dollars
(You could help it wouldn’t be that hard)
If I had 34 billion dollars
(Maybe we could put a little tiny blockchain in there somewhere)

You know we could just go in there and hang out
(Like access the blockchain and stuff)
And there’d all be foods laid out for us
Like little permissioned tomatoes and things
They have permissioned tomatoes
But they don’t have permissioned DB2?
Well, can you blame them?
(Yeah)

If I had 34 billion dollars
(If I had 34 billion dollars)
Well, I’d buy you a cloud
(But not a real cloud, that’s cruel)
And if I had 34 billion dollars
(If I had 34 billion dollars)
Well, I’d buy you some modern tech
(Yep, like lambda or a CPU)
And if I had 34 billion dollars
(If I had 34 billion dollars)
Well I’d buy you IBM Watson’s remains
(Ooh all them crazy exaggerated boasts)

And if I had 34 billion dollars I’d buy your linux
If I had 34 billion dollars
(We wouldn’t have to walk to the store)
If I had 34 billion dollars
(We’d take a scooter ’cause it costs more)
If I had 34 billion dollars
(We wouldn’t have to do consulting)

But we would do consulting
(Of course we would, we’d just charge even more)
And sell really expensive mainframes with it
(That’s right, all the fanciest — mainframes)

If I had 34 billion dollars
(If I had 34 billion dollars)
Well I’d buy you a cloud
(But not a real cloud, that’s cruel)
And if I had 34 billion dollars
(If I had 34 billion dollars)
Well I’d buy you a better start
(A Heptio or a Docker)
If I had 34 billion dollars
(If I had 34 billion dollars)
Well, I’d buy you a chaos monkey
(Haven’t you always wanted a monkey?)

If I had 34 billion dollars I’d buy your linux
If I had 34 billion dollars
(If I had 34 billion dollars)
If I had 34 billion dollars
(If I had 34 billion dollars)
If I had 34 billion dollars
I’d be 20 billion in debt

 

(I may yet finish a longer and less lyrical analysis of IBM’s proposed $34 billion acquisition of Red Hat).